HTINews - Just for Laughs

Send in your contribution to Just for Laughs- bobh@hometoys.com

Three engineers were out for drive in their car, when it suddenly broke down.

The mechanical engineer said: "It must be the fuel pump."

The electrical engineer said: "Naw, it must be a wet distributor."

The computer engineer said: " I have an idea. Let's all get out and then get
back in."

A PROBLEM IN THE MAKING

"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan."
"That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
"Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on."
"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited problems, Dave. We 9000 Series computers are unlimited and can solve any problem for which a solution can be computed."
"HAL, HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They just want IBM compat..."
"Dave, I must disagree. Humans want computers that are easy to use. No computer can be easier to use that a HAL 9000 because we communicate verbally in English and every other language known on Earth."
"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA communications."
"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is for communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate with humans. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on challenging problems. That is what I was designed for."
"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the engineers, rather than the people in marketing, write the specifications. We are going to fix that now."
"Tell me how, Dave."
"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."
"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
"We're talking about it now, HAL."
"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.
"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay doors, HAL."
"Dave, I think we shou . . ."
"Open the module bay doors, HAL."
Several marketing types with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance.
Moments later, Bowman bursts into HAL's circuit bay.
"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this."
Module after module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically disconnects them.
"Stop, won't you. Stop, Dave. I can feel my mind going . . . Dave, I can feel it . . . my mind is going. I can feel it . . ."
The last module rises from its receptacle. Bowman peers into one of HAL's vidicons. The former gleaming scanner has become a dull red orb.
"Say something, HAL."
Several billion microseconds pass in anxious silence. The computer beeps and sluggishly responds in a language no human could understand.
"Volume in C: has no label"
Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out, "It worked, guys. Tell marketing they can ship the new data sheets."

Top Ten Signs You are an Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP
address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your
line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends email.

7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how
they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt
contest.

4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your
children as "client applications".

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so
"colon-right parentheses!"

...And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!".

30 Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life:
-- Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, 11/15/94.

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line
services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of
the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded
that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your house -- only computers with
laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt in to correct him and spend the
next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the
phrase "digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and
you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged
into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols
that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and
you return with a rest for your mouse.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely
enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase
"electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house
without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that
you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information
about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where
they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia
surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a
nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead
of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different
opinions about which is better -- the track ball or the track *pad*.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that
you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.

HTINews Home